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Showing posts from February, 2019

Escape Room (2019)

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Six strangers find themselves in a maze of deadly mystery rooms, and must use their wits to survive each one.

REVIEW:
I had very little interest in Escape Room to begin with, just based off the fact that it was a PG-13 horror movie, being released in the movie death grounds of January, and the trailer did nothing at all for me.

Well, to my surprise it actually turned out pretty decent. I mean most everything about it was pretty paint by numbers, sure. It was obvious which characters would survive and which wouldn't, it was obvious who would turn against the rest, it was even mostly obvious what order each of them would die in. Yet, the movie was still surprisingly entertaining. 


Each of the characters remained interesting and were all acted quite well, and each of the trap rooms were visually interesting and unique from one another (the upside down pool bar was my personal favorite), and it was actually fun trying to figure out the clues to each escape room right alongs…

Arachnia (2003)

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When a small plane carrying a group of science students and their professor crash lands in the middle of nowhere, the survivors go to a nearby farmhouse to look for help but soon find themselves besieged by giant mutant spiders.

REVIEW:
I grew up watching all these 1990s/early 2000s SyFy Channel-level creature feature movies and Arachnia, from 2003, was one I remembered loving a lot when I was younger.


Well how times have changed. I decided to revisit this one recently for the first time since high school, since it was on Amazon Prime Video, and boy oh boy, was it a rough viewing. 

The acting was atrocious, even by the low bar of standards for these types of movies, and the characters were all annoyingly horrible people - There isn't one single character that was enjoyable to watch here or that you feel you could root for, which just makes it all the more frustrating when it takes forever for the giant mutant killer spiders to start attacking and you have to spend so muc…

Curse of the Mayans/Xibalba (2017)

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Dr. Alan Green, an American Archeologist, leads Danielle Noble and her team of cave divers on an expedition searching for the ancient long-lost Mayan Hall of Records. Instead of finding glory, they find Hell hidden in the underwater caves of Xibalba.

REVIEW:
Curse of the Mayans, also known as Xibalba, actually turned out quite a bit better than I was expecting. It's still not great overall, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't the dumpster fire I was expecting it to be, and I actually found large portions of it rather enjoyable.


This movie's strongest aspect, and one that surprised me so much for a B-Movie like this, is the characters. All of these characters are fun in their own ways, even the douchy asshole ones, and they're surprisingly acted quite well. With this being a joint American/Mexican production, we have characters that speak only American, characters that speak only Spanish, and then we also have characters that go back and forth be…

Slaughterhouse Rulez (2018)

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An illustrious British boarding school becomes a bloody battleground when a mysterious sinkhole appears at a nearby fracking site, unleashing unspeakable horror.

REVIEW:
As a huge fan of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz (and to a lesser degree At Worlds' End), to say I was excited for Slaughterhouse Rulez, a brand new horror comedy that has both Simon Pegg and Nick Frost in it, would be an understatement.


Sadly, both of them only play minor roles (and both of which are annoyingly unfunny roles) and they don't even end up sharing any screentme together, minus one 20-second moment. To make matters worse, the director is clearly trying to go for that specific Edgar Wright-style of comedy and tone throughout the movie but constantly fails on almost every level. I failed to laugh once and I chuckled maybe twice during the entire affair.

Add to that, we get TONS of unneeded backstory and information on the school this takes place at and several of the characters residing …