I'm a huge low budget, cheesy, B-Movie and Horror movie fan and this is a place for me and like-minded people to review and post thoughts on the B-Movies and Horror movies that we watch. If you wish to contact me for any reason you can reach me at desperado.newfie[at]gmail.com. You can click the drop down menu on the left side of the blog for more options as well.
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Anaconda 3: Offspring (2008) and Anacondas: Trail of Blood (2009)
A mercenary-for-hire accepts a mission from a billionaire to capture some
dangerous snakes that could possibly help cure a terminal illness. (Anaconda 3: OffSpring) A genetically-created Anaconda that can regenerate itself due to the Blood Orchid has escaped and must be stopped before it wrecks havoc. (Anacondas: Trail of Blood)
REVIEW: With SyFy's upcoming airing of Lake
Placid vs Anaconda I figured I'd try my hand at covering all the
other SyFy sequels from both series' leading up to this killer animal
mash-up, obviously excluding the three larger-budget theatrical
entries in the series (the first Lake Placid and the first two
Anaconda movies). But for those dying to know my thoughts on those
ones (I know I know, all two of you), I will just say that I
personally love all three, with Lake Placid being my top favorite,
followed closely by Anaconadas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid, and lastly
the first Anaconda.
Now, SyFy has had it's hand in plenty
of other big killer snake movies over the years, many of which I've
also enjoyed immensely (Python 1 and 2, Boa, Boa vs Python, Mega
Snake, and Asylum's Mega Python vs Gatoroid just to name a few). So
what sets Anaconda 3: Offspring and Anacondas: Trail of Blood (also
known as Anaconda 4: Trail of Blood in parts of the world) apart from
those ones, you may ask? Sadly, nothing at all. To the point where
they almost fit better as a Python or Boa sequel than they do an
Anaconda one, simply for the fact that the snakes in these entries
are genetically-engineered and enhanced to include unnatural
abilities such as a scythe-like tail and near-instant regeneration –
something that would be much more in-line with the Boa or Python
movies but feels really tacky and out of place in an Anaconda sequel.
I actually prefer to not even think of these as Anaconda sequels so
much as just their own separate unrelated series, because that's
pretty much what they are anyway.
For instance, there's really no
relation or mention of anything whatsoever from the two theatrical
entries other than the use of the Blood Orchid flower from the second
movie, which is used again in these sequels and is essentially what
the main corporation in these are doing tests and experiments on in
order to create a 'Fountain of Youth' drug to help cure cancer and
other such diseases, something that the President of the corporation
(played wonderfully by Sliders Professor John Rhys-Davies) needs for
himself as he's dying from a rare disease and doesn't have much time
left. Something that works out good for the heroes of the movies
simply because he's essentially the main villain of these flicks and
as you can imagine, by the end of the second of these SyFy sequels he
gets exactly what's coming to him.
Other notable actors in these movies
alongside him is Crystal Allen as our main protagonist, who plays the
zoo keeper of sorts that looks after the ever-growing snakes for this
corporation and tags along with the team of mercenaries that gets
hired to track them down after they inevitably escape from the lab
and then, continuing into the second of the sequels, is on a
one-woman war against the corporation and tries to destroy the last
of their research and the last of their snakes before any further
harm can come to the residents that live in the area, in addition to B-Movie legend and
Baywatch star David Hasselhoff as a rogue mercenary that gets hired
by the corporation to hunt down the escaped snakes in Anaconda 3.
Oddly enough, The Hoff is pretty much the only interesting and truly
fun character across both movies, which makes it all the more
disappointing that he's only in the first of the two.
The plots of the movies themselves are
pretty mundane and generic as well, which combined with the lack of
interesting or fun-to-watch characters really makes it kind of a
chore to get through these movies, especially when watching them
back-to-back. Offspring had some pretty good potential at times,
mostly in the first chunk of the movie when the snakes initially
break free of their containments and are sneakily slithering around
the researching facility, killing any guard or poor employee that
they come across while the building is on lock-down. My first viewing
of the movie I thought that the majority of the film would deal with
this stuff, and I was A-Ok with that; I LOVE killer animal B-Movies
that deal with people trapped in a dimly-lit building or compound
with the creature-of-note lurking around and taking them out
one-by-one, but to my dismay this portion really only took up about
ten minutes of the movie, at most. After that the snakes break free
out into the nearby forest and it's essentially just another generic
'soldiers hunt down killer animal in the woods' SyFy movie with
little to no plot and, as mentioned above, no real interesting or fun
characters to follow aside from The Hoff, who doesn't even really
show up to join in the hunt until halfway through the movie. I
thought that maybe Trail of Blood would prove more
entertaining in that area, and while it's true that it's slightly
(only slightly) better due to some well-staged attack and death
scenes and a couple more interesting set locations, overall it's
essentially the exact same movie just with a group of university
students stuck in the middle of everything, but on the flip side it
also has the absence of the Hoff around to cheese things up a bit.
As for the giant killer super-powered
anacondas that plague our characters across these two movies, the CGI
models for them in Offspring are just terrible, and they're
integrated so horribly with the actors and environments that it was
just painful to watch at times. Hell, the trees and foliage never
even move when the snakes move through them! There are times where it
almost seems like the snakes are actually ghost snakes with the way
they interact with the surrounding environments. I know SyFy Original
Movies usually don't have the best of CGI effects, especially when it
comes to them interacting with things, and honestly that's usually
one of the cheesy aspects I enjoy about their movies, but in this one
there was nothing fun or cheesy about it - it really was that
painfully bad. Luckily though they stepped it up a bit for Trail of
Blood. Still not quite to the level I would prefer, even with these
kinds of movies, but certainly better than in Offspring, and it also
helps that the design itself of the snake looks a lot more unique and
interesting in Trail of Blood than the design of the ones featured in
Offspring. And while I bagged earlier on the fact that they, for some
reason, felt the need to give these snakes special powers, I have to
admit that it did pave the way for some rather fun and bloody death
scenes (the sickle-tail is only present on the snakes in the first of
these movies while the regeneration was present only on the snake in
the second of these movies, but the snake in the second still got
some really fun kills in, including one decapitation-by-squeezing).
I guess for those B-Movie SyFy Original fans that are only looking for some mindless admittedly-fun-at-times killer snake action, they'll be able to enjoy Anaconda 3: Offspring and Anacondas: Trail of Blood far more than I did, but for me personally, Hoffman and some pretty fun kills aside, I had a rough time making it through both of these movies, especially where I watched them back-to-back. With that said, the second of these movies was ever so slightly easier to sit through just because the snake design and CGI effects were a bit better than in the previous one, making the scenes featuring the animal a bit more entertaining and easier to get into, plus without all the sickle-tail deaths it felt a little more like a traditional Anaconda movie (well, regeneration aside, that is).
Although now that I think about it, the titles of these movies themselves in fact make little to no sense. 'Anaconda' 3: Offspring features multiple snakes while on the flip side 'Anacondas': Trail of Blood features only the one snake. I honestly can't think of any reason as to why they went that route with the titles, instead of just switching them, or simply do what some other countries in the world did and just call the fourth one Anaconda 4.
4/10 Rooms in the Psych Ward (Anaconda 3: Offspring)
4/10 Rooms in the Psych Ward (Anacondas: Trail of Blood)
Zombie animals rise up yet again in a new animal preserve, threatening those who work there, and the world! REVIEW: The first Zoombies is one of my personal favorite Asylum movies,
right behind Age of Dinosaurs, Triassic World, and 6-Headed Shark Attack, so suffice to say I was pretty excited when Asylum sent me a
screener copy of Zoombies 2 to review, which up until about a week ago I
didn't even know was coming out.
For the most
part, this movie is entirely stand alone from the first movie, save for one short scene towards the end that ties it directly in (I won't spoil that scene here, but it was definitely an unexpected and fun one). This movie takes place at a entirely
different animal preserve from the first, and deals with poachers that break in to
hunt the animals, except one of the poison darts they use isn't poison
but the formula discovered in the first movie, unleashing the animal
zombie virus upon this place, causing the surviving poachers and park
After killing her stepfather in self-defense, Anna Nix is sent to a juvenile detention center. As she struggles to survive in a world of girl gangs and predatory guards, kind-hearted Anna must fight her dark side to stay above the fray.
REVIEW: While still technically on my
self-imposed Christmas Break from this blog, Asylum-Regular Jared
Cohn (director of such Asylum classics as 12/12/12, Hold Your Breath,
and one of my personal favorites Attack from Beneath, aka Atlantic Rim) asked if I would be interested in receiving a screener copy of
his latest film for that company for early review, Jailbait (also referred to as simply as 17 & Life, or even 17 and Life: Jailbait) so of course I jumped at the
chance. Unfortunately that was before I was plagued by a seemingly a
never-ending stream of computer and Internet issues which prevented
me from watching the movie or updating my blog for almost a month, but now with all those
issues sorted out I was finally able to sit down and give thi…
PLOT: To save the world, Aladdin must wager everything to get an evil Djinn back into its lamp before it can open a Gateway that will unleash thousands of its kind.
REVIEW: With my recent new-found love for classic fairy tales (thanks solely to being addicted to the new ABC show Once Upon A Time), I've been eating up these fairy tale B-Movies this year (Gretl: Witchslayer, Black Forest, Grimm's Snow White, ect), and out of all those classic fairy tales, Aladdin is easily my favorite. So when I heard SyFy was doing their own Aladdin-themed movie titled Aladdin and the Death Lamp, of course I got excited to watch and review it, even though I was also a bit worried, knowing how some of their movies tend to turn out.
Right off the bat, Aladdin and the Death Lamp does an excellent job with combining 'fantasy fairy tale' (giant killer beasties, mystical amulets, and the magic of the Djin…
When ancient flying reptiles attack Los Angeles, it's up to two working-class landscapers to save the day.
REVIEW: I'm alwayson the lookout for new dinosaur B-Movies to review so it's a pretty safe bet that when a new one comes out, it doesn't take me long to track down a copy and have it up on my TV screen ready to go. What always makes the experience better though? When the movie is filled with cheesy goodness and the creators know exactly what the movie is and allows it to have fun - Yes, Terrordactyl is pretty much the dinosaur version of the fun-as-hell Big Ass Spider!
Suffice to say, if you were a fan of Big Ass Spider, you'll be just as big a fan of Terrordactyl. It's essentially the exact same type of movie, with the exact same type of cheesy tongue-in-cheek humor, with the exact same high level of effects, with the only main difference being that this one is about a flock of killer flying dinosaurs as opposed to a single killer giant spider. Actually, …
When a young Prince and his trusted aide
learn of a beautiful Princess's cursed eternal slumber, they embark on a
journey to rescue her. They must battle an evil queen and legions of
undead monsters before she will be free. REVIEW: In 2014 The Ayslum has already outdone themselves with their first offering; Mega Shark Vs. Mecha Shark is quite handily the best of the “Mega Shark” series. Andrioid Cop was a lean, mean, and great looking sci-fi actioner, that caught me by surprise at how smart it was. Even their less ambitious offerings, Apocalypse Pompeii for example, have been tremendous fun. So when I say that Asylum’s Sleeping Beauty is, without a doubt, their single greatest film to date, and an absolute masterpiece, please believe me.
Directed with great flair by Casper Van Dien (one of my favorite actors!), his directorial debut is an assured and visually dazzling work of art; which I don’t say that lightly. The cinematography maximizes the gorgeous Bu…
A military vessel on the search for an unidentified submersible finds
themselves face to face with a giant shark, forced to use only what they
have on board to defend themselves from the monstrous beast.
REVIEW: Megalodon is Asylum's latest mockbuster, made to cash in on the
success of the big budget theatrical The Meg, as they always so expertly
do. This actually isn't the first Megalodon-themed movie that The
Asylum has released; They've already got an unrelated series of four
movies dealing with the title creature battling various different other
giant monsters in each one - Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus, Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark, and Mega Shark vs Kolossus.
first thing I noticed is that while some of the CGI here is atrociously
bad, even by Asylum's very low standards, some of it is also quite
impressive. The Megalodon shark itself looking quite good and far better
than their design of it used for the Mega Shark movies, with …
A group of researchers in Antarctica are abducted by a platoon of masked soldiers and dragged to a hidden continent in the center of the Earth. There, they discover that surviving Nazi soldiers are plotting an invasion of Earth to revive the Third Reich.
I honestly wasn't originally planning on doing a review for Nazis at the Center of the Earth, simply because I can't review every B-Movie I watch, I just watch way too many of them, and where I recently put out two reviews, one for Grimm's Snow White and one for Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver, with another one for Camel Spiders being prepped for the near-future, I was planning on just sitting back and enjoying Nazis at the Center of the Earth without having to worry about taking notes and doing up a review after. But by the time the credits started rolling I knew I just had to do a review of this one to help get the word…
Just a few really quick, really short, thoughts on some B-Movies I’ve watched lately that I
never did reviews for, for one reason or another (lack of time, not in
the mood to do one, don’t have much to say, etc).
A frustrated, angst-ridden teenage girl awakens something in the woods when she naively performs an occult ritual to evoke a witch to kill her mother.
REVIEW: I loved the way Pyewacket was filmed, The acting was
superb, and while the story is a massive slowburn, it’s an interesting story all the same,
with a couple genuinely creepy moments. However, it’s a bit too much of a slowburn
and it never really gets crazy enough in the end to make up for it. IN addition I got
issues with some parts of the story.
5/10 rooms in the Psych Ward
The story about a group of youths who can't face the thought of growing up because anyone who does becomes a rampaging zombie. REVIEW: Don't Grow Up, also known as Alone in some parts of the world, has a really fun and really interesting…
Natives of a small isolated town defend themselves against strange underground creatures that are killing them one by one.
REVIEW: My reviews for Tremors and Tremors 2 are being posted together into one post because, well, what’s there to say about Tremors that hasn’t already been said at this point? It’s pretty much the go-to perfect creature feature B-Movie and it's been covered by thousands of people in thousands of other reviews.
unique creature? Check. Great creature effects? Check. Really fun and
well-acted characters? Helll yes, double check. Add to that the perfect
mix of serious horror/suspense and light-hearted comedy, and throw in
some fun as hell chase and attack scenes.
Sure, it might be a bit slow
at times in the middle, but the mystery of what’s going on (for a first
viewing anyway), mixed with the really fun characters, keeps your
attention quite well, despite the slower pace.
This entire series is pretty much my
all-time favorite movie franchise be…
When a nerdy sorority girl falls in love with a zombie, it's only a matter of time before a zombie apocalypse is unleashed on campus. The sorority girl discovers that weed is the cure--now she must smoke out the entire school before it's too late.
REVIEW: Starting in 2009, The Asylum began going off their beaten path and started producing original comedy fare (this excludes any film they acquired distribution rights to). 18 Year-Old Virgin, Sexpot, and #1 Cheerleader Camp are just a few titles, and their latest foray into comedic territory is The Coed And The Zombie Stoner. I am happy to report it is their most inspired and genuinely funny comedy to date.
Let’s get the bad out of the way as soon as possible. Professor Hagfish (Diane Chambers) serves positively, absolutely no purpose whatsoever. She just complains, gets in the way, and fails to advance the plot or the characters forward in anyway. The ending part with her is also frustratingly pointless, s…